No, I’m not talking about a great sale, I’m talking about how I feel a lot when I express my opinions on adoption related things.
So I’m not all lovey, dovey about it. I tell the truth, my truth how it is, without sugar, because honestly there isn’t enough sugar in the world to make some adoption stuff sound good.
Yep, I’m adopted and a firstmom. It is hard to be in two camps sometimes. Adopted people don’t want to listen because I’m a firstmom (I’ve actually heard that from people), adoptive parents don’t want to listen because I’m both, and firstmoms don’t want to listen because I’m adopted. Ok…. so wouldn’t being in two camps just mean I have more experience? Honestly, I’ve been active in adoption reform for nearly twelve years now. I’ve been active in online adoption communities for the same amount of time, I’ve heard it all.
So here’s another problem: I’m not firstmom enough for some people because my placement is recent. I apparently don’t know what it is like to experience guilt and grief and pain. I guess in 2004 adoption suddenly became pain free and people suddenly quit looking at firstparents as if we are the scum of the earth. I guess in some people’s minds because I wasn’t locked up in a maternity home, I don’t understand anything. For others I must be TOO firstmomish. Heaven forbid I should have an opinion that goes against an adoptive parent’s opinion. Heaven forbid I should have ever considered myself a parent.
Ok kids, here is the truth: My son was six months old before I signed the TPR papers. You aren’t misreading, six months. I made all of his medical decisions while he was in the hospital, I put up with the getting treated like crap, being accused of being a druggy whore with a low IQ, not being listened too, and to top it off, having to fight like hell to get the hospital to understand that I was the ONLY parent at that time. Ok, my boyfriend was around but he was so far in denial it was scary. My son’s adoptive parents were only allowed to visit him because I was being courteous to them. They weren’t his parents, my IQ is plenty high, I have a good education, I’ve only smoked pot once, and no one has paid me for sex EVER. I was that child’s parent, and I won’t let anyone tell me I wasn’t. Ok, well they can try, but I beat them down pretty fast and as a friend of mine says “Don’t bother trying to argue with Belle, you’ll lose and look like an idiot, stop now while you’re ahead.”
Ok, moving on to the adopted part. So many people assume that there must be something ridiculously wrong with me that my firstmom “didn’t want me.” Ok, well I’m sure she did want me, but her life was REALLY rough when she placed me. She just wanted the best from me. Nothing is wrong with me, well ok, some things are, but nothing that would have manifested as a one day old child.
I get so pissed off when firstmoms from the time I was placed come along and tell me I can’t possibly understand what my firstmom went through? EXCUSE ME? Have you not read a single thing I have written? Apparently not, or else your comprehension levels are that of about a kindergartner, because I don’t think it can be much more clear that I am a firstmom too. No two adoption experiences are alike, so can I know exactly how she felt? Well no, but I do understand guilt, shame, depression, fear, all of those things.
Adopted people seem to think that because I have placed a child suddenly all of my adopted person feelings went away. WRONG! I am still mad as hell at my firstmom for not wanting a reunion with me. Frankly, I could give a crap about how she feels sometimes, the very least I deserved was a letter saying she wasn’t interested, not the silence that I got. Even though I can understand her pain to a degree, I don’t give a rip. I’ve worked on my adoption grief to a point that I can process what must have happened to her. It would be nice to feel like she has taken five minutes to think about what I feel like about my adoption. My adopted person feelings are there loud and clear, trust me, I’ve been adopted for thirty years and I will be until the day I die, they aren’t going anywhere.
I think the most shining moment (yep, sarcasm there) I have ever experienced was when I was told flat out by several different people on a forum that my feelings as an adopted person don’t count. Okey doke then. No, wait, I think I said screw you to that one.
So I’m not diplomatic always, I’m not much for sugar, I want people to know the truth, my truth and I want to other men and women who occupy more than one side of the triad to feel like they too have a voice.
