Sometimes the sense of entitlement that seems to flow from some people is entirely overwhelming to me. In the adoption world I blame agencies for most of this. I truly don’t think that expectant mothers are served by having potential adoptive parents hanging on their every move, going to appointments, being at births.
One of the reasons I don’t is because I so often see discussions about things like, what do we allow the birthmom to do at the hospital. There are two things in that sentence that are GLARING issues to me. The first is that a woman is not a birthmom until after she signs her termination of parental rights papers. Until that point she is a mom. She should really get to enjoy that too. Adoptive parents have the rest of her child’s life to be mom and dad if she places with them. She gets maybe two or three days after baby is born. A drop in the bucket.
The other thing that screams at me is the word ALLOWED. I’m sorry, a woman who is a mom isn’t ALLOWED to do anything. Now I may get slammed for this and told that I am anti adoptive parent (whatever, I’m not) but seriously, at the hospital, if potential adoptive parents are ALLOWED to be there, it is a priveledge. You don’t allow the mom to do a damn thing, you don’t honor her wishes about things like breastfeeding and who bathes babe, and those kinds of things. You honor her wishes by staying away if she doesn’t want you there and not acting like you’re entitled to that baby and that you are already mom and dad.
My hospital experience was horrible, granted. I will forever be hurt that I didn’t touch my son first, that his adoptive mom did. But it is just one more example of why adoptive parents need better education. If a baby is meant to be with them it will happen. Some common sense and sensitivity could go a damn long ways.
The MOTHER should be allowed to do whatever she wants. I really don’t think that pap’s should be allowed at the hospital period. They then think it is all about them when infact it isn’t.
I couldn’t agree with you more. It isn’t about adoptive parents at all and it shouldn’t be. It’s all about entitlement.
I agree in all you say. I only want to add that there are exceptions. I had to be pushed to be more involved at the onset. I love the blog though.
It was really important to my son’s birthmom that we be in the hospital when he was born. I wasn’t expecting to have that privilege at all, but I was really grateful for it. So I don’t think that paps shouldn’t be allowed in the hospital, I think that it should be however the emom wants it. After all, it’s HER birth plan and her decision about who she would like there.
That said, I am totally appalled at the what-should-we-allow questions from paps. Disgusting. But it’s not just from the paps — we actually had a nurse chase our son’s bmom down the hall and tell her that she couldn’t go to the nursery because we were there. Which was, of course, ridiculous, given that we were all happy to have time together and with the baby, and also that if anyone was going to be kicked out of the nursery, it should have been us, not her, as she was still his only legal parent at the time.
We were at the hospital when our son was born. We were not in the delivery room and I’m glad we weren’t. That is something our son’s first mom has all to herself (and her mother). Plus, why should anyone expect that a woman that we had only known for a few months would want some strangers staring at her private parts. I think that would be just as uncomfortable for her as it would be for us. We never visited our son in a private room–it was always in the room with his first mom, her friends and her family. We didn’t request to either. We are so very grateful that we were able to have the time we did with her. We did our best to give her private time too–in fact, she called us one morning wondering where we were! Don’t get me wrong–I would have stayed the entire time if she had asked me too–but I certainly don’t think that it was my right to be there. Our relationship continues to grow and flourish and we have a beautiful open adoption. I love knowing her family and who her friends are. We live close so it is not uncommon to run into people that we all know. They all supported her throughout her pregnancy and I love to share our son with them! We are so very proud.
I think it is important to note that even if an emom has a plan–that she still has a right to change her mind. Like maybe at first she wants the paps there. . . and then feels uncomfortable and wants more privacy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We were so prepared for change during the whole process–always trying to be respectful of how she may be feeling.
Now, our 2nd adoption was completely different. :0) That’s a whole different post in itself!