So it’s been awhile since I wrote, with the holidays, I’ll have to post some craft pictures later, but today I want to write about expectant parents in the hospital.
Mostly I’m going to write about a comment on a post “And the Crap Continues” that I wrote awhile back. Thanks for the comment Amaurosis.
It was really important to my son’s birthmom that we be in the hospital when he was born. I wasn’t expecting to have that privilege at all, but I was really grateful for it. So I don’t think that paps shouldn’t be allowed in the hospital, I think that it should be however the emom wants it. After all, it’s HER birth plan and her decision about who she would like there.
That said, I am totally appalled at the what-should-we-allow questions from paps. Disgusting. But it’s not just from the paps — we actually had a nurse chase our son’s bmom down the hall and tell her that she couldn’t go to the nursery because we were there. Which was, of course, ridiculous, given that we were all happy to have time together and with the baby, and also that if anyone was going to be kicked out of the nursery, it should have been us, not her, as she was still his only legal parent at the time.
I completely agree that if an expectant mom wants pre adoptive parents there, that is fine. Sadly though, most women think it is expected of them to allow that. Agencies and attornies push the idea that pre adoptive parents NEED to be involved in everything and that it is their right because they will be the parents someday.
Which is exactly my point, they will be the parents someday. Two or three days out of that child’s life won’t hurt them to miss out on. I know FAR too many women that felt obligated to have pre adoptive parents at the hospital with them. They regret missing out on that time entirely.
As far as hospital staff go, alot of them are pretty clueless. They doctors didn’t want to tell me anything about my son after he had been moved, they believed it would be too hard for me. Nothing is going to make adoption harder than not knowing, besides I was still his mother, his only mother, I hadn’t even chosen an agency until after he was born.
Clueless I tell you, clueless.
[...] So this morning as I contemplated what to write about, I read Belle’s post about the Hospital and her thoughts on prospective adoptive parents being there when the child is born and in the days [...]
I couldn’t agree with you more on every point.
Tammy
I was thinking about this very thing not too long ago. I did not mind at all having my daughter’s mom with me. I do regret not making a bigger effort to spend time with DD, but to be honest, I was booted out of the hospital faster than you could blink (24 hours after she was born) so honestly there wasn’t time to be had. And her mom did offer to have me stay with them for a few days. That I wish I had said yes to, but I was afraid.
My boss is an a dad who’s two girls were born in the same hospital as my DD, ironic because I gave birth 800 miles away. I was talking to his wife about the girls a few weeks ago, and somehow we got to talking about the area and she mentioned that the hospital was wonderful, but she felt that as the a-mom, she was brushed aside. Which is pretty insane, because 16 years ago, I felt the exact opposite…..
Great post
I feel all kinds of ICK, about the PAPs being there EVER. IMO~ it sets the stage for placement and I don’t like to see that locomotion started because it can not be stopped without herculeon strength~which hormonal Mommies in crisis do not possess. Even as support, it is subtle coercion. JMO
I am happy that Supergirls parents were not there. I am happy that they didn’t meet her until she was almost 2 weeks old. Call my selfish but I am happy that I got that time with her where she was mine, that I made the decisions and had no other input from outsiders.
The only thing I wish is that we spent more time together.
You are hardly selfish, you did what EVERY woman and man, if he is inavolved, should do. I wish I had would have had more time. The one hour I got alone with him just wasn’t enough.
Oh, I just saw this. Thanks for responding.
chowchow22: I can completely understand why you would feel this way. My husband and I were worried about that as well. I think that one of the massive issues in adoption ethics, though, is balancing protection from possible coercion with respect for the autonomy and wishes of the expectant mother. I am really uncomfortable with statements about “not allowing” e-moms to ask the PAPs to be in the hospital or “requiring” mothers who intend to place to take the babies home. Adoption as an institution can be really infantilizing to women, and anyone paternalistically deciding what is “best” for mothers writ large is not respectful nor does it empower mothers. It’s not okay whether it’s the adoption industry, PAPs, or other birthparents. I’m not at all saying that that’s what you were saying, chowchow…just that it’s a concern of mine. I don’t have an answer to this at all. Coercion is a very real and present thing in adoption, and it’s unacceptable. On the other hand, we can’t end coercion by limiting the rights of mothers, either.
lhjh4, I hope that you didn’t think that I was implying that anyone is selfish for not allowing the PAPs of their child to be present in the hospital, or for taking as much time as they need to make the decision. I wish that every mom had that kind of time and clarity. No one owes their child to anyone, and no one should feel (or be made to feel) like they’re on a time clock with their baby.
Sorry, I forgot to actually respond to the post, which was my whole point.
Sadly though, most women think it is expected of them to allow that. Agencies and attornies push the idea that pre adoptive parents NEED to be involved in everything and that it is their right because they will be the parents someday.
This is bad. I won’t go into my rant about (many) agencies and attorneys, but suffice it to say that generally I think that they should be run out of business. In this particular case, the thing is, it’s not that the PAPs WILL be the parents someday…it’s that they MIGHT be the parents someday. From the time prior to birth all the way to TPR, the PAPs are exactly bupkis from a legal and moral standpoint. There are no rights for anyone except for the parents (as in the biological, first, and only parents), and I think that needs to be made considerably more clear to PAPs and moms alike.
As far as hospital staff go, alot of them are pretty clueless. They doctors didn’t want to tell me anything about my son after he had been moved, they believed it would be too hard for me. Nothing is going to make adoption harder than not knowing, besides I was still his mother, his only mother, I hadn’t even chosen an agency until after he was born.
Clueless I tell you, clueless.
Oh, sister, I could write a book. The hospital where our son was born was a total trainwreck. They essentially decided that, since they didn’t understand the entire adoption scenario and couldn’t be bothered to ask or listen, they would just treat everyone really, really badly. They wouldn’t let our son’s mom see him in her room, make decisions about who could visit the baby, or decline medical treatments. At the same time, they wouldn’t let us see the baby without supervision or make decisions about medical treatment even after TPR and medical PoA had been executed (we had a sort of long hospital stay). So really, the hospital de facto took over custody of the baby. It was only after I (belatedly) played the oh-I’m-a-doctor card that they stopped treating everyone involved like crazed baby snatchers. Ugh.
It’s not that hard, for heaven’s sake. When the baby is born, he has exactly one mother, the woman who gave birth to him. She is the boss, and she should be treated exactly like every other mother. If she chooses to allow the PAPs to see the baby, great, but they have exactly the same rights as any other friend of the mom — as in, none (other than to be treated decently by the hospital staff).