Oh Yeah, I’m Gonna Go There…. September 24, 2008

So I usually stay away from the whole abortion vs. adoption debate, but, yeah, I’m gonna go there this morning.

So, I’m pro choice, yeah you read that right.  Does that mean an abortion would be right for me, nope, but it doesn’t mean I think we should take away choices either.  Especially when it can mean the life another child being carried is saved or the mother’s life is saved.

It is assumed alot of times that because I am adopted and a firstmom that I am pro life.  PLEASE.  Those were my choices and my firstmom’s choice, no one elses.  I certainly didn’t carry my pregnancy to term and place my child so that another woman could become a parent and I resent the implication that that was my motive. 

I also resent the idea that I am happier than a woman that has had an abortion because of my choice.  Holy crap, placing a kid batters a woman’s self esteem beyond belief.  Trust me,  most women aren’t thinking how fabulous it is that they get to watch another woman mother their child.  I spend most of time thinking about how irrespsonsible I was, how I created a situation that never should have happened, and how adoption can damage a child, and what did I do?  Yep, placed my kid for adoption.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about those things every moment of every day, but when I think about placing my son, those are the thoughts that creep around my head.  It isn’t a pretty place to be.

Adoption and abortion are not polar opposites.  They are however both options when faced with a difficult decision.  Who am I to say what is right and wrong for anyone?  They are both choices that will impact a couple for a lifetime, especially the woman.  Neither of them are chosen quickly or easily.  They should both be there.

More later on my other thoughts on life and the sacredness of it.

Hello, My Name is… September 23, 2008

Well, we all know it is Belle right?  I was thinking about all of the different labels people wear and why we wear them.

So, I’m a daughter, sister, aunt, adopted adult, first mom, counselor, girlfriend, friend, cross stitcher, tatter, and a host of other things.

What interests me the most about labels is that we wear them for society to be comfortable with our actions most of the time.  If society doesn’t know what to do with you, what pigeonhole to put you into,  people probably aren’t going to be overly comfortable with you. 

The aunt label isn’t one I wear comfortably, believe it or not, nor do I talk about it much.  My nieces and nephews are all in my first family and I have only met one of them once when she was pretty little.  So, sure, technically I’m an aunt, but I guess I don’t think of myself as one.

I don’t like the first parent lable at all.  I wish I could just be a mother.  I have no desire to take my son from his mom and dad and I don’t want to be his mom.  I am his mother though and it ticks me off that I can’t be just that.  It is frustrating that society says, well you did this and made this choice so now you have to wear this label.  Most of the time it is birthmom which is even worse.  I just don’t like that, I did a whole hell of a lot more than just give birth to that child.  Besides which, if I have to be something, why can’t I choose the words to describe me?

I know, this probably all seems insignificant to some.  Words are just words right?  I learned a long time ago though that words are way more than just that, and usually they have more power than people want to ascribe to them, especially the people that use words to hurt.

So yes, my name is Belle, and yes I am all of those things, and yes I’ll live with it.  Next time you label someone though, think about how you are labelling them and what those words might do.

Overtime September 22, 2008

So, yeah, I like to work a little overtime when I can.  It keeps me from having to get another job and makes it WAY easier to afford things like propane and stuff.  Get this though.  So I couldn’t sleep yesterday, what is it with that?  The more exhausted you are, the harder to sleep it is, but I digress.  Anyway, I call my mom and talk to her for awhile, we talk about me coming home today, work, family plans for the week and all that great stuff.  The minute I hang up the phone BAM work is calling me.  Can you come in, like right now?  Well why?  Well a staff member called in sick for the 2-10 and they are running short on the floor.  Is this really necessary, you are there, I say to the guy calling me.   “I think my cancer is coming back”, he replies.

Ok, I know the guy is lying, not about having had cancer, but he shameless and will use anything.  I’m thinking, well some OT would be nice though, so I say, yeah I’ll come in.  I was there for 16 hours, damn long day and night, especially on four hours of sleep.  I make it though, don’t kill anyone, and get ready to leave none the worse for wear. 

They are short again today and they have to fill the shift with a female staff.  They think they are going to get me.  Oh yes, please, let me leave at 8 and come back six hours later for another 8 hour shift, just what I want to.  Yeah, don’t even think so, besides which it is my night off and I already have plans for the rest of the weekend.  The sad, pathetic look I got after that was rather ridiculous.  Apparently I’m married to that place.  Sorry J, nothing more with me, work is calling.  Good thing he works there too and gets the stupidity of it all.

They are always promising us more kids and more staff and it just doesn’t happen, yet they seem to work harder and harder at putting us at risk.  That place, ugh, why do I work there?  The kids.  Even the one that called me a fat fucking bitch five different times this morning.  Yep, even her.

Exhaustion September 21, 2008

I’m so tired this morning, you know you are worn out when you are sitting at work doing cross stitch and your eyes start to droop and you jerk up to wake up.  It was just a long night.  Of course I didn’t sleep much during the day before, so it was my own fault I suppose.

I get this way sometimes, it gets hard to sleep and then I drag at work.  When I come home of course, it usually doesn’t matter how tired I am, I still have to wind down.  I couldn’t believe how hungry I was this morning.  I guess that sloppy joe from last night is all worn off. 

I was almost drowsing off while J and I were playing cribbage, good Lord, what was wrong with me?  Cribbage always keeps me awake.  If nothing else his good natured teasing keeps me awake. 

So will I sleep today?  Will that cat let me sleep?  Will my street be quiet enough to sleep?  I really, really hope so. One more night of work and then I am off for three nights, thank goodness, because this is wearing me out!

Lucky? September 20, 2008

I’m remiss and haven’t written for awhile.  Don’t you hate it when life catches up with you?

Anyway, my mind is stuck on a conversation I had with J at work tonight.  I love the man, but he can be dense.  He gets upset with me because I focus on the sad stuff in my adoption.  Got news for you buddy, when you only hear from people four times a year, there isn’t always alot of happy stuff to talk about.  I’d love to brag about kiddo, but what can I brag about?   I’ve already told you everything that I know ten times over.  I also have kind of just quit talking about him. I hate the looks I get from people when I mention him during a parenting conversation.  I suppose, his accomplishments have little to do with me so I should keep my mouth shut.

The other thing that is nagging at me is J’s insistance that I am lucky that I get contact with kiddo.  I can’t tell you how badly that comment hurts coming from him.  He thinks, no matter what I tell him that open adoptions are rare, because I am the only one that he knows that has one.  So ok, I realize you don’t understand how common they are becoming J, but don’t you get it that when you say I’m lucky, you are somehow implying that I have no value in this thing?   That somehow I’m not good enough to see my son?  I point that out and he says I am making it personal.  Well damn right I am, it is personal, how couldn’t it be personal?

I love him, I do, I wish he could just get this.  I know that part of the reason my open adoption bothers him is because he thinks it causes me too much pain and he wants to protect me.  Well, news flash, the stuff I would cook up in my head if I didn’t know would be about ten thousand times worse than the stuff that is real and the pain that is real.  The guilt and the not knowing, it would kill me, possibly, quite literally. 

Maybe someday he will get it, maybe he never will.  It’s so hard to explain and so hard to make sound not so bad, when it probably isn’t somedays, but I’m sure it sounds like it always is.

What is Wrong with Me? August 29, 2008

Ok, so nothing is really wrong with me.  But it sure feels like it lately at least in the context of my adoption life.  I haven’t received pictures of my son all year long, except at my one visit.  In our contact agreement it states that I am to receive pictures in the mail four times a year.  FOUR TIMES.  Wow, not the same as zero right?  Kiddo turned four at the end of May.  I haven’t seen a single picture from his birthday.

My other what is wrong with me adoption thing:  My first brother Ben said that he would call me when we talked about two months ago.  Well here we are nearly two months later and nothing.  What the hell?  I know, he is a man, men are bad a communication, blah blah.  Enough already, I am a human being and people should follow through on their word when they give it.  I’m sick of people not doing what they say they will.

I realize that is part of the human condition, but come on folks.  I know my self esteem shouldn’t rely on other people, but this involves FAMILY.  Granted, not my immediate nuclear family, but family none the less.  I’m tired.  I’m worn out.  I’m sick of making efforts for people who don’t seem to feel the need to make efforts to reciprocate my efforts.  When do you stop caring and stop puting yourself through the agony of wondering what is wrong with them and with yourself? 

I wish there were easy answers to this.  I can tell you though that this reinforces my commitment to stay in touch with my son.  I won’t having feeling like there is something wrong with him because I act like a flake.

Back to Work August 28, 2008

It is a back to work night for me.  Man I don’t want to go in, I know I know, who ever wants to go back after their “weekend”. 

I’m kind of concerned about the number of clients we have right now.  We are down in the low twenties.  I half expect to not have a job anymore sometimes.  I don’t even like to ponder what I would do then. 

So here I go, and yeah I’m boring lately, mostly just working on tatted pumpkins and stuff for people.  Thank goodness fall is coming, less electricity use, no propane, so I can lay back and not worry about that quite so much.

Ok, off I go, to work, so I can pay my bills and take care of my cat right?  Yeah right.

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China Buffet August 26, 2008

So I’m meeting my mom and dad in a few hours for supper at the China Buffet.  We both have to drive about an hour to accomplish this and that’s cool, it’s worth it to see my mom and dad (and eat Chinese.) So we’re meeting because my mom has an optometrist appointment and well they have to eat and I have the night off, so cool we’ll meet. 

So funny story about this place, when my brother was in high school he actually got kicked out while he was with a group of friends.  They ate too much, he wasn’t in on that, he’s actually a pretty picky eater and super skinny (the only gene I wish I had from them) and wouldn’t have eaten too much.  I remember that even in high school the kid had the smarts to be mortified by what his friends did.  They weren’t the brightest bunch.  I’ve never heard of anyone getting kicked out of a buffet for eating too much though, I kinda thought the point was that you could eat what you wanted, but whatever.

I’m sure my dad will be on about some crazy thing.  His current is that he is convinced that Barack Obama is Muslim.  As if it matters right?  Well my dad has stupid things in his head about faith and religion and yeah, he is prejudiced.  Some idiot friend of his keeps sending his emails that are propaganda and false too.  So I told dad, you go to www.snopes.comand find out if that stuff is true when you get it.  So he gets an email when I’m home, I say, did you go to Snopes?  He says, well it says on the email that someone already did.  Ok dad, the point in me telling you that is so you can investigate these blatant lies on your own, but whatever, believe whatever.  I love the man, but he is one of those “I found it on the net so it must be true” people.  It’s ludicrous of course and makes Mom and I laugh hysterically at him.  I’ve been considering making up a bunch of propaganda emails and spamming him.  What can I come up with to scare him off McCain I wonder?

So those are my plans for the day, too exciting I know, I live the party life.

Stalking? Get a Brain! August 25, 2008

So on my favourite forums there is a post from someone I’m not fond of, have never been of, will never be fond of…. Ok, I don’t like the guy, I think he is an arrogant jerk who thinks he runs the world.  Ok, that said, there is this post about their child’s firstmom showing up at a church that they both attended before the adoption on the day their child was dedicated.  They bolted from the church service early and didn’t even talk to her.  This guy wants to know if she was rude…. WHAT THE HELL?  HER?  What about you buddy?  Holy cow, I couldn’t even believe that question.

In his post he mentions that they had discussed church attendance before the adoption and offered to go to a different church.  The then expectant mother declined and said she wouldn’t attend church anymore.  Fast forward three months and she is in “their” church.  Ok, should she have showed up like that?  Probably not, I probably would have been a bit freaked out as an adoptive parent too.  But Lord above, the woman didn’t run up to them and start screaming about being the mother’s child, she didn’t snatch the kid away, she didn’t even talk to them.  She attended a church service.  So, there are people saying, she said she wouldn’t go to that church, she shouldn’t be there.  I made the mistake of pointing out that people have secound thoughs and their minds may change.  Holy man, if I sought solace in church and I realized another church wasn’t going to do it for me, I would go back to the other church, even if it meant putting my child’s adoptive parents at risk.  Know why?  Things change…

So what really grinds my gears about this (Thanks Peter Griffin) is that if it would have been something the adoptive parents did we’d be hearing, well it was in the best interest of the child to be attending that church, the firstmom’s feelings aren’t so important as the child’s.  BULL SHIT!  I’ve said once, I’ll said it again and again, best interest of the child or family equals best interest of adoptive parents in adoption situations where the first parents aren’t addicts or criminals. 

THEN this poor woman was called a stalker.  Yeah, because she was lurking in their bushes, sitting in front of their places of work, hanging around the frozen foods in their favourite grocery store just waiting for them to show up.  IT WAS A CHURCH… a public place, somewhere that EVERYONE is supposed to be welcomed…. I can’t imagine finding a new church after placing a child though.  Sometimes “Christians” are the most judgemental towards first parents.  We are sluts after all that got ourselves pregnant by who knows who, God will judge us. 

So can ya tell I’m a little pissed?  I just can’t believe people, the adoption is finalized.  They didn’t need to have a big conversation with her there, just a could we talk on the phone sometime about this would have been good wouldn’t have it?  Then they could have had a discussion about possibly opening the adoption.

All of these adults are in the wrong. 

Oh, just one last thought, a match with contact is not an open adoption.  I think that an open adoption happens ONLY after the adoption takes place, call me crazy, but doesn’t there need to be an adoption for it to be open?